I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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