Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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