hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
