Do you still have your period?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My bed smells like the plague
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
