i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize