piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
