I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
