C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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