mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
