My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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