Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
