Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
