She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
