Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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