I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
