guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
