my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
