I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
