Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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