Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We got so high we made milksteak
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize