Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
