im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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