please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
