Betty ford says i'm here all night
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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