# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
