my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
