I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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