My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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