If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
