new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
where are my eyebrows?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
