Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
