Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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