One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
