I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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