I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
