So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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