I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
