we're chasing vodka with high fives
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I will pee on everything he values.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
