I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
