ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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