This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize