Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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