I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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