why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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