He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
