I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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