I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
