he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
