ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
