I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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