People in love make me want to vomit
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
