My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize