and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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