get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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