if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
