3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
